From Avoiding to Leading: 11 ways to Face Difficult Conversations”

I want to look at something many of us would rather avoid: conflict at work and look at how to Navigating Conflict by sharing  11 Ways to Lead Hard Conversations.

 Now let me be honest with you, I hate conflict. I always have and if you’re a registered manager, I’m guessing you might feel the same. We go into the care sector because we’re carers by nature and we want to keep people happy, not upset them. We smooth things over, hold things together, and we’re often seen as the glue in the team.

But here’s the problem: avoiding conflict doesn’t stop it from happening. It just means it bubbles under the surface, shows up in passive-aggressive behaviour, team fractures, and eventually… bigger problems.

So today, I’m sharing 11 habits that can make tough conversations easier, not perfect, but easier. These are things I’ve learned from both avoiding conflict and walking straight into it (sometimes badly). I’ll throw in a few examples too.

1. Start from Curiosity, Not Judgment

Most people aren’t trying to be awkward, they’re just doing their best with the information and resources they have.

When something goes wrong, or someone lets you down, it’s so easy to jump to conclusions, especially when you’re under pressure yourself but one of the most powerful habits I’ve learned over the years is to pause judgment and lead with curiosity.

Because the truth is, most people aren’t being awkward or disrespectful on purpose. They’re doing what they can, with what they have, in the circumstances they’re in.

Let me share an example.

We were onboarding a new carer, and she kept arriving late to shadow shifts. Nothing dramatic, but ten, fifteen minutes late, enough to cause disruption. I’ll be honest, I was irritated. My first thought was, “If she can’t even be on time to her induction training, how is she going to manage her shifts?”

Instead of reacting straight away, I asked her if everything was okay? and what came out surprised me. She was trying to get two children to school on foot each morning and her original childcare plans had fallen through. She didn’t want to say anything because she was worried that we’d think she couldn’t cope, or that she wasn’t cut out for the role.

That completely shifted how I saw the situation. She wasn’t being careless. She was under pressure, trying to make things work, and feeling anxious about speaking up because she was new.

That conversation could have gone very differently if I’d gone in with frustration instead of empathy.

Making it a habit to ask “What else could be going on here that I can’t see?” and starting with curiosity can help us make space for people to be honest and when people feel safe to be honest, that’s when you can actually solve problems.

It doesn’t mean we avoid accountability, but it means we lead with respect and that makes all the difference in building trust, especially in care, where people are often carrying more than they let on

2. Use Facts, Not Feelings

When emotions run high, stick to what you’ve observed.

When you're heading into a difficult conversation, especially something formal like a performance management meeting, it’s tempting to talk about how you feel.

You’re frustrated. Disappointed, maybe even let down and it’s natural because you care.

Here’s the thing: feelings aren’t the same as facts and when emotions lead the conversation, it’s easy for the other person to become defensive. They stop listening and start protecting themselves.

That’s why one of the best things you can do in moments like this is to anchor the conversation in observable facts, what you saw, what was documented, what can be clearly evidenced.

You know what it’s like, you’re heading into a difficult conversation with someone you trusted… and you’re disappointed. That’s the reality sometimes in leadership. You feel let down.

But here’s the thing I’ve learned the hard way: when you lead with how you feel, “I’m disappointed,” “I feel let down,” “I don’t know if I can rely on you”, it puts the other person on the back foot straight away. They go into defence mode.

What I’ve found works better is sticking to what’s actually happened. Not vague impressions. Just: “There were three late visits with no check-ins,” or “I saw that the care notes were left incomplete on three shifts last week.”

It shifts the tone. Keeps the conversation steady and most importantly, it helps the other person hear what you’re actually saying.

Because when we lead with facts instead of frustration, we don’t dilute expectations, we just make them easier to engage with. We take the heat out of it without lowering the bar.

That’s how you keep things professional, productive, and fair. Especially when the conversation is tough.

3. Own Your Part

Even if the situation wasn’t your fault, acknowledging your role builds trust.

It’s easy, when conflict arises, to focus entirely on what someone else did—or didn’t—do. Especially when you feel you’ve done everything right.

But one of the fastest ways to shift the energy in a difficult conversation is to take ownership of your part, however small it might be.

Now I’m not talking about taking the blame or letting poor performance slide. I’m talking about accountability without self-blame, being willing to look at the role you played, even indirectly, and naming it.

Because when you do that, something important happens: The other person lets their guard down.

The power of owning your part but not to take the weight of the whole situation, shows you’re in it with them. Not above them. Not detached.

It’s not about blame it’s about leading with honesty. Something as simple as:

• “I realise I wasn’t clear at the start.”

• “I probably should’ve checked in when I saw the rota changes piling up.”

• “I can see now how that felt from your end.”

These kinds of moments don’t weaken your leadership, they strengthen it. They make you someone people can talk to, not just someone who tells them what to do and in a sector like ours, where the emotional temperature can be high and time short, that matters.

4. Name What You Expected (and What Actually Happened)

This is such a powerful way to address issues without accusation.

When something doesn’t go as planned, whether it’s a missed task, poor communication, or a behaviour issue, it’s tempting to jump straight into why. Why did they do that? Why wasn’t it done? Why did it go wrong?

But before we get to why, it really helps to start with what:

What was expected… and what actually happened. Not in a judgemental way. Just a clear, side-by-side comparison because when you do that, you shift the conversation from blame to reflection.

We’d had a new client with complex needs and a detailed care plan in my home care service. One of our carers had done a couple of shadow shifts and was due to do one final handover before working solo. That was the plan and everyone knew it but a few days in, I found out she’d gone in alone with no proper handover and no update to the office.

My initial reaction was one of frustration of course, that mix of concern and “why has this been ignored?”.  

You know the feeling but instead of leading with that, I tried to stay steady. I said: “So, the expectation was that you'd do a final shadow and handover before going in solo, can you tell me through what happened on the day?”, she said the handover carer had messaged to say she’d be late she could not get through to the office and she didn’t want to leave the client unsupported, so she just got on with it.

Now, was that the right call? No. but did it come from the right place? Yes. She genuinely thought she was helping and that moment reminded me how powerful it is to name the gap without pointing fingers.

“What we planned was this. What happened was something else. Let’s talk about what got in the way.” This invites reflection instead of shutting someone down because the goal isn’t to catch people out, it’s to create the kind of culture where they’ll tell you what happened, and you can figure it out together.

5. Stay Grounded in Shared Goals

Even in disagreement, there’s almost always one thing you both care about.

You may know that in the Qualitizer Process™ Mentorship, we talk a lot about shared goals because when it comes to culture, clarity, and good care delivery alignment is everything.

This is especially true in conflict, when emotions may be running high and it's easy for people to slip into a defensive posture. It becomes me vs. you, who's right, who's wrong, who’s being unfair. I call it the ‘Blame Game’ but most of the time, if you strip it all back, there’s actually something you both want.

Naming that shared goal can shift the entire energy of the conversation.

Sometimes when things get tense between team members, it’s easy for everything to feel personal. You see it in handovers, short replies, eye-rolls, that slight change in tone that everyone picks up on, even if nothing is said out loud.

Simply asking? “What’s one thing you both want right now?” can help individuals to realise they do have shared goals;  “I just want the shift to go smoothly,” and a “me too. I just want it to feel a bit calmer and clearer,” can change the tone and become a starting point to start talking about how to make the shift better.

That’s the thing with conflict, it’s rarely about what’s being argued on the surface. It’s usually about pressure, clarity, and wanting to feel respected and when you bring it back to a shared goal, people shift from defending their position to solving the problem together.

It can be really simple:

• “We both want the residents to feel safe and cared for.”

• “We both want to get through the shift without stress.”

• “We both want to feel like we’re part of a strong team.”

Those shared aims give you a way forward. They stop the conversation becoming about who’s right and start making it about what’s possible.

6. Be Aware of Your Triggers

Know your own hotspots.

Is it being interrupted? Being questioned? Feeling unappreciated?

This one might sound more like a personal development tip, but I promise you, it’s essential to leading well through conflict:
👉 Know what sets you off.

We all have our own emotional hotspots, those situations, words, or behaviours that trigger something in us. Sometimes it’s subtle. Other times, it hits like a freight train.

For some people, it’s being interrupted mid-sentence. For others, it’s being questioned in front of others, or that tone someone uses when they roll their eyes or say “Well, I just thought…”

For me? It’s feeling dismissed or ignored, especially when I know I’ve put in time and care into something. That feeling of being undervalued hits hard, and in the past, it’s definitely led me to overreact or shut down.

But here’s the thing:

When we don’t know our triggers, they run the show.
When we do know them, we can manage our response instead of letting it manage us.

If you’re not sure what your triggers are, ask yourself:

• When do I feel myself getting tense or defensive?

• Are there patterns? A certain colleague? A certain phrase?

• Do I get more reactive when I’m tired, hungry, overwhelmed? (Spoiler: yes, we all do.)

Self-awareness isn’t a weakness. In fact, it’s one of the most powerful leadership tools you have. Because in care, where so much depends on emotional labour, your ability to manage yourself is what gives you the capacity to manage others fairly.

7. Focus on Language That Builds Trust

The words we choose don’t just carry information, they carry emotion.

In conflict or challenging conversations, the emotion behind your words is often what people respond to first, not the logic. So if we want people to stay in the conversation, to reflect, to feel safe enough to take ownership, we have to use language that invites that not language that shuts them down or backs them into a corner.

If we go in with “You always take over and never let others do their job”, well that can be game over, defensive wall up and full shutdown.  Instead, start with “I’ve noticed that during busy shifts, you often step in and complete tasks yourself. I’m wondering how that’s impacting the confidence of the newer staff?”

That shift makes it invitational, not confrontational.

A few other language tweaks could be:

• Swap “You never…” for “In this situation…”
  → It focuses on this moment, not the person’s identity.

• Swap “You should have…” for “Would it have helped if…”
  → It opens the door to problem-solving rather than fault-finding.

• Swap “Why did you…?” for “Can you talk me through what happened?”
  → It removes the sting of accusation and allows for honest explanation.

These small shifts in language make a big difference. They show your team that you’re not there to attack, you’re there to understand, reflect, and move forward together. When people feel like you’re with them, even in a hard conversation, they’re far more likely to take responsibility and improve.

8. Give People a Chance to Explain

Sometimes, conflict arises not from bad behaviour, but from misunderstanding. Two people experience the same situation in completely different ways and unless someone creates space for clarity, tension just builds.

As managers, one of the most helpful phrases we can use is:

“The story I had in my head was…”
or
“My understanding of the situation was…”

Why? because it softens the edges, it invites a conversation rather than a confrontation.
It says, “Here’s how it looked from where I was sitting, but I’m open to hearing something else.”

The phrase “The story I had in my head…” is a powerful way to flag concern without making the other person feel cornered.

It communicates:

• “I’m not accusing—I’m asking.”

• “This is what I saw, but I know there might be more to it.”

• “Let’s work it out together.”

In care, where trust and safety are everything, that tone makes a real difference.

It also helps us as managers check our assumptions because let’s face it, we don’t always get it right either and our version of the story might not be the whole picture. Giving people a chance to explain doesn’t mean letting things slide. It means leading with fairness, humility, and a genuine desire to understand before we decide.

9. Slow Down and Really Listen

When you’re preparing for a hard conversation, it’s tempting to rehearse your response in your head while they’re speaking but real resolution starts with listening to understand, not listening to reply.

In care leadership, we’re often expected to have the answers. We’re used to moving quickly solving problems, making decisions, keeping everything on track.

So when a difficult conversation comes up, we naturally want to get in, say what needs saying, and get out with the issue resolved and while we’re “listening,” we’re often not really listening, we’re rehearsing our response, planning what we’ll say next, or waiting for a gap to jump in with our view.

But real resolution starts with listening to understand, not listening to reply.

That means:

• Letting people speak fully even if they take longer than you’d like.

• Resisting the urge to correct every detail in the moment.

• Allowing silence after someone speaks, instead of filling the space too quickly.

When we listen like that, really listen, we don’t just hear the facts. We hear the pressure and the emotion under the surface and that helps us respond not just as managers, but as people.

One thing I always remind myself: If you interrupt someone in their explanation, you don’t just disrupt their words—you signal that their experience doesn’t matter and the moment someone feels unheard, the conversation becomes a power struggle, not a partnership.

Because listening isn’t passive, it’s active, intentional, and powerful and it’s one of the most respectful things you can offer in a difficult moment.

10. Summarise Before You Step Away

When a difficult conversation is nearly over, it’s tempting to wrap things up quickly, especially if it’s been emotional or uncomfortable. You’ve both said your piece, there’s a bit of relief in the air, and you’re ready to move on but before you do, there’s one crucial step that can make the difference between real resolution and future confusion:

Take a moment to summarise what’s been said and agreed.

It might feel a bit formal, but it’s actually a sign of respect. It shows the other person that you were paying attention, that their input matters, and that you're taking shared accountability seriously.

You can say things like:

• “Just to check—are we on the same page about what happens next?”

• “So I’ll follow up on X, and you’ll come back to me about Y—does that sound right?”

• “Let me just recap what I’ve understood, and you tell me if I’ve got anything wrong.”

These small moments of clarity help prevent miscommunication, assumptions and the classic “That’s not what I thought we agreed…” three weeks later.

It gives space for unspoken concerns to surface, and for everyone to leave the conversation feeling clear and respected which is why this step matters. It gives you a final opportunity to catch anything unspoken, and to confirm you're both leaving with the same understanding.

When you skip the summary, you leave room for interpretation. When you include it, you leave with clarity.

So next time you’re wrapping up a tricky conversation, don’t rush out the door or jump to the next task. Take one final breath and bring the conversation to a clear, shared close.

11. Always Leave with a Clear Path Forward

Don’t end a difficult conversation with “Thanks for the chat.” Which is a common pitfall especially when a conversation has been emotional or tense. You get to the end, it feels like the air has cleared a little, and you wrap it up with something like “Thanks for talking it through.”

While that might feel polite and well-intentioned, if there’s no agreed action, no next step, it often leaves the other person wondering:

“So… is anything actually going to change?”

It’s important to remember, you’re not just having a chat you’re leading a conversation with purpose and that means closing with clarity, even if the issue isn’t completely resolved yet, you can always agree on a small, clear step forward.

That might be:

1. A follow-up meeting to check progress

2. A trial period to see if a new approach works

3. A shared commitment to revisit the issue in two weeks with a plan

4. Or even just agreeing to reflect and bring ideas back for discussion next time

When you finish a difficult conversation with a clear action, you do three powerful things:

1. You validate that it was a serious conversation worth following up

2. You build trust by showing you're not just ticking a box

3. You create momentum, however small that moves things forward

So the next time you’re in a challenging conversation, before you wrap up, ask:

“What does moving forward from here look like—for both of us?”

Conflict doesn’t mean you’re failing. In fact, when it’s handled with care and clarity, it can actually strengthen trust because people see that you’re willing to be honest, fair, and kind, even under pressure and you don’t have to stop being a compassionate, people-centred manager to handle conflict well.

The longer we avoid hard conversations, the harder they become and the sooner we lean into them, with the right mindset and tools the more confident we become at leading them well.